Whatever it is, I guess I'm not an easy person to get along with, and perhaps a lousy person in many ways. I'm not forgiving. I don't even forgive myself.

How did I become this way? And how can I become a better person? How can I learn to let go and forgive? To just hang loose and live without trying to unravel the never-ending ball of yarn that is the future? To stop trying to see shapes in the smoke from the fire and just enjoy its warmth?

I don't know. I always think I'm permanently damaged in moods like these. Yet every time I look back on my past self, I see someone who was na�ve, more carefree, and� happier.

Anyway, it's not my role to judge. I just try to help people however I can, and eke out whatever happiness I can as I go...

written at 10:19 p.m.