Yes, that is an expletive. There. That�s how damn frustrated I am.

I Give Up. I�m not going to bother to make new friends anymore. Yao jiu lai, bu yao jiu suan. I�m really fed up. Fed up, fed up, fed up. Fed ex� Send all this to Alaska�

This isn�t making much sense, is it? Not to me, anyway.

Well, what-fucking-ever. Anyone feels like breaking off a friendship with me, just say so. Don�t give me any false hopes. Sooner or later I�ll just give up and depend on myself.

what sort of loser writes this stuff?

My life is crumbling like the Larsen B ice shelf. Life doesn�t crash down around you; it breaks off in large chunks and floats off intact.

********

I�ve been in here for too long. My mind has slowed down. FUCK. This place is too damn cheena for me. I came in knowing that, thought it�d get better. I seemed to, but it was just because I was becoming more like them�

********

Honestly, I didn�t really have a good time yesterday� And I�m not exactly sure why.

Well, let�s see. Maybe it was because jiarui�s friend was attempting to run me through with a verbal spear every ten seconds. Or maybe it was because for >80% of the time, I was a lamppost. Gee. Wonder how to decide which it was?

Or maybe it was my fault. Really, it might have been. I�ve gone over all the things which might have made yesterday seem bad, and none of them really seem bad. So I don�t know. It�s weird, not knowing whether you had a good time or not. My heart says no, but my mind says yes. What-fucking-ever.

Yeah, She didn�t have to be so nasty, but on closer thought, was she really THAT nasty? No� And I can�t really blame them for leaving me out� They don�t see each other that often�

Well anyway, let�s look on the bright side! The best part of yesterday was when juan and I exchanged specimen papers. The best jiarui�s friend ever got was in esprit when jiarui was trying on clothes, and she actually talked to me.

I think I�d go out with them again if they asked (yeah right)� But one half says no and another says yes� I feel like a moth returning to the candle flame� Because there�s always a chance that it�s not a flame, that it�s a fluorescent lamp.

Yup. There�s so much to say here, but I�m not sure I want to.

********

Honestly, I think it�s me.

W.T.F.

It�s gonna be a long holiday.

I'm so confused

written at 7:29 p.m.